It's the most dangerous time of the year

[ladyofastolat]

I wrote this on the ferry to Lymington last weekend, ready to sing in the pub to a crowd of Morris dancers. As such, it was written to a deadline, so it isn't very polished, but it's as polished as it's going to get. It was inspired by a series of solemn warnings in our staff newsletter, which had aimed for catchy Christmas-related headlines, but somehow... failed.



God help you, merry gentlemen, for Christmastime is here,
But think before you celebrate the season with good cheer,
For everything is fraught with risk of pain or death or fear.
Dread tidings of health and safety rules
Safety rules
Dread tidings of health and safety rules

The crackers on your table should be treated with great fear
Wear goggles when you're pulling them - don't do it over here!
Don't choke on flying novelties a-landing in your beer!
Dread tidings etc.

The Santa on the market stall is Buy One Get One Free,
But think before you purchase it to dangle on your tree.
If it has no safety mark, it's better if you flee.
Dread tidings etc.

An unattended candle is a deadly risk of fire,
A tealight near a Christmas tree could be your funeral pyre.
Poke tinsel in a socket and you'll join the heavenly choir.
Dread tidings etc.

When busy with your baking, don't put pennies in your pud,
Or you might choke your family, when isn't all that good.
Before you eat a Yule log, you should check it's cake, not wood.
Dread tidings etc.

Be careful on a ladder hanging shiny things that dangle.
Heed the risk of bumping heads, and trailing wires that strangle,
Which lead to death, insurance claims, and costly legal wrangles.
Tidings etc.

Before you buy a single gift or send a single card
Remember Health and Safety, or your Christmas might be marred.
Without a Risk Assessment you might end up dead or scarred,
Dread tidings etc.

Comments

[puddleshark.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

I pity whoever has to carry out the Risk Assessment on the Twelve Days of Christmas...

[ladyofastolat.livejournal.com]

I would at least hope that the leaping lords and dancing ladies were members of the Morris Federation (or similar), which gave them public liability insurance. Although there's a risk that the lords would be far too important to join such a thing, and if they leapt onto a dairymaid and caused a mad stampede of swan-scattering cows, they would loftily say, "Don't you know who I am?" and blame the musicians.

[puddleshark.livejournal.com]

And when you distributed protective headgear to the lords there would be a chorus of "Lot of damned nonsense..."

[bunn.livejournal.com]

OK I have to ask. Please tell me the Yule Log one is you elaborating around a theme, and not an actual warning from the staff newsletter.

Please?

:-D

[ladyofastolat.livejournal.com]

Sadly, the Yule Log line appeared purely because I was struggling to find a rhyme for "pud" and the ferry had almost reached its destination.

Quite a few of the others are genuine, though. A colleague returned ashed-faced from a meeting of H&S reps, swearing, "I will never buy a real Christmas tree again!" The tinsel in the socket thing also came from him. "How often do you hear about people electrocuted by tinsel?" I asked him, but he didn't answer, being too busy panic-searching online for artificial trees.

[leesa_perrie]

LOL!! Excellent!! :D :D

Just need to remember all of that now, to make sure I have a Very Health & Safety Christmas! :D

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

Thanks for making me laugh.