Scenes from my first ever attempt at making a quiche

- Thinks: How big is a standard onion? Half my onions are the teeniest things imaginable, while the other half are the biggest ginormo-onions known to man. (I prefer it hyphenless, though. If it weren't for the fact that I only ever play human, I'd want to play a ginomoonian in some future roleplaying campaign.)

- "Roll pastry out to a thickness of 1 cm." "WHAT?" Google for second opinions. One recipe suggests rolling to the thickness of a 50p, but another prefers a pound coin. Why don't recipe books warn you that you need to collect a variety of change first?

- Realisation: I don't actually know how you blind bake a pastry case. Let's Google it! One hand very greasy. Oh well... Let's type one-handed. "Blond naked..." Um, okay, better not press Enter on that search.

- "Help! Help! It's all gone WRONG! It's RUINED! Why have the edges all curved in like that? I did everything the internet told me to do! WHY DID IT ALL GO WRONG? And I'm hot! And I'm hungry! And it's all ruined!" Woe, tears, etc.

- "Honey! Come back with that baking bean!"

- "Oh, well. I'll just put the filling in, anyway, even though it will overflow the curly edges."

- "Actually, this looks really really nice. You'd almost think it was intentional."

- "Oh, look. A baking bean. I wonder how it got there."

- "It tastes really nice, too!"

- CRUNCH! CRACK! "Oh. I've just found a baking bean."

- "Well, it was really nice... BUT I'M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN."