The language of flowers

Yesterday I was reminded of one of our filthy books - a Victorian book on flower meanings, dating from probably 1875. It caused me quite a bit of amusement. Why did somebody decide that some of these sentiments actually needed a flower? Some of the flowers have several contradictory meanings. How do you decide what your sweetheart means? What hideous angst could be caused if some innocent sweetheart, knowing nothing of hidden meanings, gives you a flower that means "I declare war against you"!

( A selection of flower meanings )

All the bells

Apparently at 8.12 a.m. on Friday 27th July, plans are afoot to ring "all the bells in the country [...] as quickly and loudly as possible for three minutes."

Have they thought this through? We have probably around 100 Morris bells in the house, attached to various pieces of footwear and clothing. It's an easy enough job to ring them all, but Pellinor will be just about to get on the ferry at the time, and I'm not sure what his fellow commuters will think about the jingling, so will I have to handle all the ringing?

What about people whose cats have bells on their collars? They'll have to keep their pets in all night in order to guarantee being able to grab them at 8.12 and start shaking them, and many cats are likely to protest in a painfully spiky fashion long before the three minutes are up.

And what about all those forgotten bells languishing in cupboards, drawers and attics? My parents' loft still contains Jingle, hobby horse turned cat nemesis, who will have to be dug out and jingled. But how will they manage to jingle him when they'll be busy ringing the full set of handbells that lives in the spare room?

What about people who are away on holiday, or just out at the time, at work or school or busy with the morning commute? Who will ring their doorbells? Will we have to set up complicated systems of strings and pulleys, to ensure that those people who are in are able to ring the doorbells of their absent neighbours? Will the bell-poor and people with door knockers have to hire themselves out as ringers for the bell-rich?

And then there's all the hundreds of jingle-bells sitting in libraries and pre-schools and children's centres, used for Rhyme Time and the like, so plenty of people will have to head into work early to start jingling them. And Christmas bells! What about Christmas decorations, all safely packed away?

And if all the church bells are ringing "as quickly and loudly as possible" (is it possible to control the loudness of a church bell anyway, apart from muffling it?) how many people will assume that the Spanish Armada has landed/the Germans have invaded/the zombie apocalypse has started, and rush out with fire and pitchforks?

No, they really haven't thought this through, have they?